Sorry

Well, after that last post, I wanted to immediately delete it. I have to be more positive in life and quit bitching. I have to be pro-active and not re-active. So, for those that actually read my last post, I'm sorry. For those who haven't gotten to it yet, don't bother.

This evening, I'm raising the stakes. If I want to do anything in life, I have to put forth an effort. I can't just make goals, then half assedly work on those goals, and then forget about them. I have to push forward and, forgive me for overusing this word this week, GRIND. This evening, I will put in my poker hands. Not just the hour that I intended, but I'll go the extra mile and put in a 3-4 hour session if at all possible.

I'm really beginning to wonder if seeking therapy is a route I should take. Not any "Oh my parents don't love me and the world is against me sessions". I know I'm fucked up in the head and I don't need a doctor telling me about it. I even know why I'm fucked up in the head most times. I even know how to fix the situation. What I don't know is how to motivate myself to do so.

This blog is the best tool I have to motivate myself. Unfortunately, all my bitching an whining would probably motivate my readers to a new corner of the web. Money used to motivate me. Now, freedom seems to motivate me more than anything. I feel like I'm bound and shackled 5 days a week. That should be motivation enough for me to get off my ass and get motivated to do something better with my life. But it hasn't in the past 8 years. At least not enough to make a difference.

Maybe I'm getting close right now, becase the only thing I want to do right now is go home, fire up a bunch of poker tables and swell the bankroll to astronomical heights.

I have about $1200 in my bankroll right now (give or take $100). My baby-step goal is to hit $5000 with that very soon. My ultimate goal is $100K. That gives me approximately 2 years salary to have on the back burner. Then I can use that time to figure out what I want in life.

That's the only plan I got for now. Maybe if I work on being a better all-around person. A person that's in shape. A person that feels good about himself. A person that doesn't have a such a negative outlook on humanity. Maybe if I can be that person, life just won't suck anymore.