Tuesday, January 25, 2011

Is it just me?

So this has been going on for years and I'm not sure if this phenomenon is exclusive to me or if it's a common occurrence. When I go to take a shit, I sit on the toilet like any other human. Usually before the turds release, I piss and seemingly empty the bladder. Then I commence to shitting. Usually after a turd or 2, the phenomenon occurs. All of the sudden, I'm taking another FULL piss. Where the hell did this piss come from? Did I not just empty my bladder 5 seconds ago? Were my turds blocking off party of my bladder preventing it from being properly emptying? Is this problem exclusive to fat people? These are questions that haunt me at 4:54 a.m. when I'm battling insomnia (and after taking a nice shit).

Monday, January 10, 2011

A New Years Resolution I might stick with...

When asked what I wanted for Christmas, I really had no idea. Then one day, probably while taking a shit, I decided I watch too much TV. Like 4 out of 5 weekday evenings revolved around television programs. And that's even working the DVR overtime. Something has to give. There really isn't that much quality content on the TV!

So I decided to ask for a Kindle for Christmas. I have to say, I love this thing! I'm addicted to reading again. I started out trying to read Gulliver's Travels since it was free on Amazon's Kindle store. About 1/2 way thru, I gave up. Just plain boring IMO. Then I moved onto another freebie, The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes. It was better than Gulliver's Travels, but the tales all felt like they needed a little more meat.

Then, I found a jackpot download on everyone's favorite bay ... where all the pirates hang out. 972 Kindle books in one download. BOOM! Packed full of awesome books. I decided I had avoided the Harry Potter books long enough. So I've dove into that series head first. I'm really enjoying the books. I had avoided them in the past because I thought they were for kids. But then I realized, I'm just an overgrown kid, so it's probably for me.

I'm going to finish off the Potter series (probably sooner than later). Then it's time to decide what's next! In the meantime, I'm suffering zero withdrawals from my lack of TV.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Battling with a Bible thumper...

IMO, religion is nothing more than entertainment. I am entertained while hoards of people, unable to think for themselves, blindly worship an all-powerful being that can be everywhere at the same time and still have the spare time to listen to your bitching and moaning and grant your wishes. Sounds almost like Santa Claus huh?

Anyway, 95% of the time, when I type something in my Facebook status area, it's my humerous views on life. My language is very unfiltered at times too. It's who I am. If you're really my friend like Facebook says you are, then you should have known this already.

Let's flashback about 10 years. I'm very good friends with this guy who happens to have a twin. I was friends with his twin brother for a time, but over the years, the 2 twins drifted further apart from one another in personality. On one hand, the one I still call my friend is happy-go-lucky, fun to be around, and just an all around good guy. His brother grew into a miserable, annoying fuck. Our personalities clash something fierce. I can tolerate him in small doses though. Which evidently is sufficient enough to be my Facebook friend.

So I hop on Facebook a few mornings ago and type something along the lines of "My shit's so sweet, when I eat toast and eggs, I crap out cupcakes". No reason.. it just popped in my head and I chuckled. My first reply to the status:

"Wes, you need a job. All you do is post of Facebook all the time. Quit using fowl language all the time. It shows your intelligence."

WHAT!? First of all, this is coming from a dude that has probably said "Fuck" in front of my mother no less than 10 times. But apparently, after an illness, he has found religion. So now it's his duty to censor me. My retort:

"Don't insult my intelligence when you can't spell 'foul'"

I could have busted up his response a little more, but I left it at that.

So today, I'm not sure what I actually typed that offended him so much. I went back through my statuses and the most offending word I could find was "douche". But that was just this morning, he may have seen something from yesterday or before. Anyway, I get a private message (it's getting serious now!) from him that reads:

"Wesley, i love you brother, and I love picking on you. But please be considerate of what my church friends are seeing when you post cus words"

My response:

"Brother, they aren't on my friends list and won't see anything I type. If they do, they are more than welcome to delete me."

I refuse to actually battle with a Bible thumper. It's worse than arguing with a drunk. You can't win an argument when they have an imaginary friend on their side. So I say my peace and unfriend them. In the end I win.. you just have your imaginary friend and one less virtual friend, I have the knowledge of how to actually use the most popular website in the world and cut all virtual ties with you.