This one is deep

I have to change my ways. I've spent the first 30 years of my life trying things one way, and obviously that way didn't work. Now it's time to try it the other way. For 30 years, I've been taking the easy way out in everything I do and it has gotten me nowhere. For 30 years, I've lead an unhealthy lifestyle, and it has gotten me nowhere. For 30 years, I've secluded myself from the world, almost making myself a hermit at times and it has gotten me nowhere. The end result? I'm a 30 year old miserable human being.

I'm sure my blog readers notice it from time to time. My "Why me?" post from yesterday was a little tongue-in-cheek, but actually not far from the truth. Frequently I bitch and moan on this blog about how my life sucks or how unlucky I am. I've been blogging about hating the same job for at least 4 years now. Is it bad luck that I'm depressed a lot of the time anymore? I don't believe in luck. Maybe I've just led a bad lifestyle and I just get what I deserve. It's not that I'm a bad person because I'm not. However, I wouldn't consider myself an upstanding citizen by any means either.

So what needs to change? Honestly everything. I need to change my ways physically, mentally, and emotionally. Those are broad categories, but I believe they are all related in some way. Helping out one facet can help you out in other areas as well.

Physically

This one is simple. I'm a fat, lazy bastard. It never bothered me before, but the past couple of years, it has taken it's toll. I'm tired all the time. I don't have the energy to go do anything. I just kind of sitting around playing poker, watching TV or listening to music. I get zero exercise. Basically, I'm just killing myself from the inside out.

It's not that I go on huge binges of food or anything like that. I just eat out too often for anybody's good. Fast food is the devil. But again, I'm lazy and even though the taste and selection is horrible, I choose convenience almost every time. I started a 30 day challenge week before last to not eat out any for my breakfast or lunch. I did well with both for the first 7 days. However, come week #2, I got lazy. Admittedly, I was out of town and it was impossible to fix my own lunch for those 2 days, but the rest of the time I was just too damn lazy to get off my ass and go to the grocery store.

Sunday, I finally made my way to the store to stock up on lunch and breakfast stuff. The results were me eating my breakfast at home and me still being too lazy to fix my own lunches. I chose sleeping that extra 10 minutes instead.

Starting today, I'm going to ween myself from these bahaviours. I, again dont' have my lunch with me. However, instead of opting for McDonalds or Wendy's, I'm going with Subway. Then tonight, I'm going to pack my lunch for tomorrow morning just in case I need that extra 10 minutes. I'm not going to cut out eating out 100% because that's impossible, but I am going to start making healthier choices and cutting down on portion sizes starting today. I just need to train my brain to get used to it. I was able to train it the other way, I don't see why I can't try it this way.

The bottom line is that I need to lose weight. I really need to get my energy back. With just those 2 things, I would be a much happier person.

Mentally

I also need to work on my mental game in life. I have become set in my ways too much. Everything has to fit in my schedule. I have to have X amount of alone time to get my head right in the evenings. I can't do this because that leaves less time for that. It's a never ending thing. The bottom line is that I'm so set in my ways, that I'm scared to change up anything. My brain has been burnt into this rut. Anything outside of this rut just messes with the entire system.

My schedule is pretty much the same every day. Get up, go to work, sleep at lunch, go back to work, go home, play poker or watch tv and sleep. It's boring and that routine never would have worked for me 10 years ago. However, I've programmed my mind to accept this routine. I've even programmed it to love the routine because any time I get outside of the routine, then I get mad.

This facet is harder to fix. I need to just break myself of my routines. Instead of going straight home after work, go do something like golf or fishing. Life's too short to be caught in a rut. I've even quit going out as much on the weekends because I have to stay home and get my poker hands in. There's always some excuse that keeps me from doing things that I would normally enjoy.

It's hard to explain what's wrong with me mentally. I guess the best way to sum it up is to say that I'm set in my ways and hardly ever open to new things. Even though deep down I really long to do new things.

Emotionally

This one is very important as well. However, I feel that by working on the physical and mental side of things, the emotional side will just kind of fall into place. Right now, my nerves are a wreck. I fly off the handle with ease. I don't do it in front of people because I can't stand people that throw temper tantrums in public. But when I get alone, I can go into some tirades.

The basics situation is that I'm unhappy. I hate my job, hate my life. There are only a few things in my life that brighten my day. I like to bowl, fish, golf, and absolutely love music. Last year, I played like 2 rounds of golf and did minimal fishing. Why? Because I would rather sit around the house and loathe in my self pity. Interacting with the public was just not something I was interested in.

My unhappiness had never reached into my friendships until recently. I love my friends to death. Them and my parents are the #1 things in my life. However, I find myself distancing myself more and more from them each day because I'd rather just sit in the house alone not wanting to face the world.

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Typing all this out, it doesn't make me feel any better. In fact, when re-reading it all, it makes me feel like a mental case. I'm far from eating a bullet or mowing down pedestrians in the street or anything. Very far from that. However, I don't want to keep spiraling downward until one day things come to something drastic.

The bottom line is that I have to live better. I need to take care of myself first and foremost. I need to just relearn the way I live all around though. I should be nicer to people and get out and meet new people. I need to try new things. And when I find something new I like, stick with it. Take for example the guitar. It was just something I picked up after watching a Metallica/Godsmack concert a few years ago and it was fun. It still is fun. However, I've only half-assed learned to play. Instead of practicing, I get frustrated and wonder why my brain and fingers don't work together like Stevie Ray Vaughan. Maybe that's just another department where I'm lacking? Or maybe I'm just a lazy bitch that is too sorry to practice? Which seems more likely to you?

I've bored my readers to death with my numerous tirades about my job and the work environment. But the bottom line is that I've been here for 8 years now and not done one damn thing to help my situation. I've made no effort to make this job work any better for me and I've not made any efforts to find a new source of income either (not any real honest efforts anyway). Sometimes I'll find a stream of income that brings in a couple bucks here and there and then I just give up on it.

This is a lot more info that I really wanted to include on this blog, but I have to get stuff off my chest. TL;DR. The bottom line is that I have to give if I expect to receive. If I want my life to become better, I need to do more giving. I need to devote more time to my family, my friends, and becoming a better person. Sitting in front of the computer sulking about my bad luck and karma just hasn't been getting it done lately.